When it comes to pressing that button all of my confidence goes and suddenly I am questioning things I would not under normal circumstances, for example my form filling in skills are suddenly under scrutiny as I check, double check and most probably check a further three times to make sure I have filled everything in correctly. Even the spelling of my name is brought into question. I mean how hard can it be to spell “Mia?” It only has three letters in it, but as soon as it comes to clicking that button my mind starts to doubt things I have done all of my life.
Pressing that button is the culmination of months of hard work. It is the final hurdle for authors and even after all the work that goes into writing the novel itself, I still find pressing that button harder. My head is full of ideas I am hoping to turn into novels, I enjoy the planning and seeing the ideas unfold on paper and I love the writing process, especially watching the pages/word count slowly increase. The editing process I don’t like so much but more time goes into re-drafting and editing than writing it the first time. So after all that it seems silly to worry about pressing a tiny button doesn’t it? I mean, I’ve put the effort into writing something and getting it ready for the public to see so shouldn’t I be excited about the prospect of it being available to buy?
Well of course I am, I love seeing my work out there but every time I go to press that button saying “finish and publish” nothing seems as good anymore. I automatically think I have uploaded the wrong draft of my novel or my computer has a mind of its own and has done something it shouldn’t – which did happen once, Chrome auto fill put my name as ‘Mia Hoddell Hoddell,’ luckily I noticed it before in one of my many checks.
Combined with this there are also the nerves caused by people being able to see and read my work. Questions form in my head like “is it really good enough?” or “are people going to like it?” as I doubt myself. Sadly, this feeling never goes away and I don’t think it ever will. Authors have a personal connection to their work and getting any kind of feedback will always be nerve-wracking as each book is a little piece of us.
I still find that little button the biggest hurdle though. Once I’ve clicked it my mind goes into overdrive, screaming at me “What did you do?!” and that fact that I have to wait 12hrs to change anything I may have got wrong only increases this feeling. However once I get the email through from Amazon saying my book is live and I can see everything is fine the whole drama of clicking that button seems just slightly over the top.
*First posted on I Heart Reading as part of the Deadly to Love tour.